LEAVE IT WITH THE DOORMAN...

Ahh, NYC.  Say what you will about the rats, the fumes, the noise, the gridlock holiday traffic - but you know what real New Yorkers think about their own city?  That it's a goddamn wonder – a modern marvel that runs 24/7 with remarkable grace and an unparalleled fluency.   

How, you might ask?  Well, they say a place is only as good as its people – and truly there’s no esteemed group as integral to the city’s churning rhythm as its 27,000 Doormen.  A gazillion times a day, it’s hello, good day, nice weather, good evening and everything in between.  Without my doorman, I’d be lost.  And that might be because, like for many New Yorkers, my life runs smoothly because of all the times I leave it, whatever it is, with the Doorman.   

LEAVE IT WITH THE DOORMAN: Dresses (or bits of material that masquerade as them...) 

If you have teenage girls, you know that trading dresses is a thing.  In fact, girls of a certain age in NYC, more often than not, are wearing someone else’s clothing, especially if they are ‘going out.’   Leaving it with the Doorman is an essential piece of this chaotic barter economy.  No, moms, you aren’t going crazy; it CAN flummox a sane woman’s mind as to why you paid to expedite a 24-dollar dress through Chinese customs, only to be leaving it with the Doorman the next day for someone else’s daughter to wear, and then to be picking up a nearly identical dress that's been left with another Doorman.  The thing is, it’s best not to try to make sense of it, and to just stay organized.  Just know that teenage clothing IS community-based, and the contents of any teenager's closets are more potluck than proprietary.  

LEAVE IT WITH THE DOORMAN: Sh-t people have left at your house... 

It could be a scarf, a pair of sunglasses, an umbrella, or one of the many other things a New Yorker schleps around with them, come hell or high water.  In lieu of car trunks, we able-bodied Manhattanites stuff ourselves to the gills with non-essential essentials.   Ever-prepared, we’re always leaving our stuff everywhere. But, don’t worry, I don’t want to keep any of your useless crap, even your fancy Barton Perrieras; I just want it all OUT.  And hence, they will be… left with the Doorman.  When and how you retrieve them is on you. But I am absolved.  It’s in the Doorman’s hands now.   

LEAVE IT WITH THE DOORMAN: Sh-t your kids’ friends have left at your house... 

This scenario presents unfortunate optionality – do you wash another kid’s dirty clothes before you leave them with The Doorman?  Or do you just send them down all balled up, exactly as you found them splayed across your child’s carpet?  Yes, you CAN leave anything with the Doorman, but, that doesnt mean you will.  You're not wrong to think that handing over a bag of laundry reflects poorly, but that doesn't mean you will rush to iron the Brandy Melville sweatpants of someone not genetically linked to you before you pass the pristine pile on to the Doorman, does it? I mean, what kind of lunatic does that?

LEAVE IT WITH THE DOORMAN: Sh-t you left in an Uber... 

Usually, it’s your phone. Sometimes, it’s, Mon Dieu, your purse. Occasionally, it’s the item you expressly set out to pick up from someone else’s Doorman.  Either way, you’re usually unaware of said missing item until you’re back home, and cozily ensconced on your sofa.  After launching into panic-mode, and unleashing some mad detection skills, you'll tell the (hopefully) good Samaritan who has your prized possession to just… leave it with the Doorman.  (With whom you’ve left cash, of course.) Problem solved. 

LEAVE IT WITH THE DOORMAN: Random sporting equipment...  

It’s not exactly BARNEYS level anguish, but ever since the great and mighty Modell’s closed on the Upper East Side, there has been a hole in the heart of many New Yorkers, especially those looking to find a baseball mitt, or junior size shin guards, in a pinch.  Rather than trek to and thru Paragon (is that even still open??), most will foray into their group texts to see if a lucky few taps on their iPhone can procure hard-to-get items in a jiffy.  If you find what you need, the transaction is simple (and tax free!) -- just…leave it with the Doorman.   

LEAVE IT WITH THE DOORMAN: Ingredients...  

Yes, NYC is the city that has everything, but try telling that to someone (who’s kitchen will never, ever be big enough), in the midst of a recipe that calls for a hard-to-find Japanese mustard seed.  You’ll text your neighbors first, Instacart second, third you’ll be Door Dashing your expectant family a back-up meal.  I don't know what you’ll end up serving for dinner, but I do have an inkling that somehow, someway, it will involve leaving it with The Doorman.    

LEAVE IT WITH THE DOORMAN: Cords and Chargers... 

One of the easiest things to leave behind at a sleepover, or in a cafe, is the damn phone charger.  While you’re sh-t outta luck for the latter, the former can be returned lickety- split if you can just, yup, you guessed it…get someone to leave it with their Doorman.  In fact, I’d wager that there isn’t a Doorman across 125 zip codes who hasn’t, at least once, fielded a repurposed mini shopping bag from Sephora, with an illegible name scrawled in Sharpie across the front, that’s carrying a single phone charger.   

LEAVE IT WITH THE DOORMAN: Medicine  

This might seem far-out, but there are a lot of times, especially living in NY, that you simply need a pill, not a prescription.  Whether it’s a Xanax, a Z-pack, or a stronger than average anti-inflammatory after you hurt your back playing pickle, medicine is needed when weird things happen to the ever-active bodies of busy New Yorkers.  And, really, who has time for CITY MD?    

FWIW, pills are probably the hardest thing to leave with the Doorman because there’s really no elegant way to do it. (I mean, they are in uniform!)  It usually involves tin foil and a Ziploc, and the whole thing feels a little shady, even though you’re just trying to help an arthritic comrade-in-need.  

And, last but not least…  

LEAVE IT WITH THE DOORMAN: The One That Keeps You Guessing…  

Once in a while, someone will drop off an unannounced and unidentified package with your doorman that gives you pause.  On a good day, this can be an aha moment; Oops-- I guess I forgot to take my swag bag!  But then, there’s the oddball, mystery bag of objects that you're not sure you want to accept from your doorman’s eager hands.  Why did someone drop off a Pez dispenser, a brush, a pair of leggings and one shoe?  Rest assured, you will lambaste yourself for questioning your Doorman’s basic skills of cognition by asking: Are you sure they said that was for me??!   

Oh, wait, I guess those could be my daughter's lulus.  Ok, I’ll take it.  Thanks so much!      

A shout-out and thank you to all the amazing doormen out there: Your urbanity enhances our lives, and takes the edge off the madness of living in the big city.  New Yorkers couldn't survive without you!