Search

PARTY PEOPLE (OF A CERTAIN AGE...) ARE IN THE HOUSE TONIGHT!!

Tara R

Mar 35 min read

Everybody just have a good time…

Ready to party like the middle-aged rock star that you are?! You are NOT too old for this sh--…

1. You are Cordially Invited…

Ahhh, the invite. There's nothing quite like the giddy rush of receiving an invitation! A social more with timeless appeal. While this rite of passage may no longer be as glamorous as it once was (can you imagine the thrill of living in a time when a Royal messenger would travel to your home to request your presence…), I can assure you that you’re still going to get a swift and hefty dose of dopamine when that snazzy Paperless Post hits your inbox. They like me; they really like me! But before you can accept your award, the stress sets in, and that frothy excitement bubbles up into swirling concern. Okay, they want me. But now what?

2. Who Else is Going?

Once invited to a party, it's only natural to want to talk about it. But remember, my little eager social butterfly, at this point in your life, you know a lot of people, and a guest list is defined by who isn't on it. People talk, about gifts, attire, how much they need to eat beforehand, etc.. That’s right; a party has many lead-up questions – there’s research to be done! But, be mindful -- you don’t want to check in with the outdated version of the encyclopedia, i.e., the persona non grata who recently leaked that your gracious host is on Ozempic, and is now on the do-not-call list.

3. What Do I Wear?

You're a capable adult. You know how to dress, right? You don’t secretly wish that a links-to-purchase lookbook came with that birthday invite? You're not too old to decode a vibe that’s a clever and tangential play on someone's initials, are you?! Fear not. You'll just need to ask sixteen people, all of whom have asked a different sixteen people, all of whom will then text the host to find out what she/he is wearing. And eventually ask what the guys should wear. (But, like, does it even really matter??)

4. We Go Together…

Can I give a shout out to the magnificence of a party that’s being held in the same hood as my humble abode? Traveling to a distant zipcode for some nighttime revelry is never what the exorbitant preventative doctor ordered. You can't predict traffic, there's the who's-coming-with-who drama, and you're probably already on the Uber watchlist for bringing roadies in cars.

And, let's face it: Your Oura sleep score last night maxed out at 42, so the long ride is lulling you to zzzz's faster than a giant fistful of melatonin. You'll try to stave this off by texting no less than five friends to tell them that you are SO tired (they’ll reply back that OMG they are too!!), but before you know it, it’s the car talking: “you have arrived at your destination”…

5. The Arrival

The big moment is here. You've primped, you've preened, and now it's time to peacock, right? Only the weak would second-guess their outfit straight through to the second drink. But even if you aren’t channeling Elle from Legally Blond, worrisome queries remain: Do you check your coat? Wasn't it part of the look? Will it be hard to get later? Are those the place cards? Oh, crap, we must be late.

6. Get a Drink

Seems simple enough – and it's been on your mind since you started makeup. But sometimes the fastest way between two points is not a straight line. You see a glistening row of Clase Azul in the distance, but there's a bottleneck of, pardon my French, bros and hos, blockading any egress. You can attempt to barrel through, like a salmon in 4 inch platforms swimming upstream, but good luck with that!! Or you can try a different play, i.e., scamper along the sidelines. But no doubt you'll be stymied by the birthday boy's dad and stepmom, who are just happy to be there despite being benched for the evening.

7. Small Talk Tetris

The second half of cocktail hour is like a Padel tournament sponsored by Adderall– guys fist-pumping left and right, and girls throwing so many kisses and compliments that they almost forget to ask you what table you’re at.

"Cocktails" means you flit about between many, varied conversations, none of which you can actually hear. It also means you may bounce in and out of chit-chat with nary a modicum of injury, or grace. Case in point: feel like turning your back on an acquaintance who is mid story about their dog’s UTI? No prob! Someone’s approaching! Trying to join a conversation, but instead, getting shaded by revelers so deep in talk that it's like your perfectly coiffed beach waves turned into an invisibility cloak? Sounds about right! Prepare to spend ample time telling people you love their dress.

8. Table Trauma

You made it through cocktails! You've accepted that you're neither over- nor-under dressed. Now you can wonder who's at your table. We all like a solid table, but that social shine is marred if you're stuck in the back; come on people, it’s no secret that the table that has to krick and crank to hear the speeches is the table that almost didn't get an invite. But, wait, there's that stepmom again – oh hiiiii!! Hmm, maybe these aren't the cheap seats after all.

9. Party Rock is in the House Tonight

Now is when the real fun starts! There’s not a one among us who can resist that urge to bop around once Dua Lipa’s Levitating hits the speaker. Yes, that's your second wind storming through!! That is, until you feel the urgent tweak in your back (knee, neck, ankle…I don’t discriminate) that tells you it's time to PUT THE DRINK DOWN and slow your effin’ roll.

10. The Countdown's On…

At this point, your husband will start to give you the look – you know the look; you’ve seen it before. Said look telepathically communicates iconic verbiage from your youth that pops into your head whenever you hit a wall:

“Are we there yet, Papa Smurf? Not far now!”

You will forge on, to the bar by the exit. But you are waiting… waiting for cake, a speech, a montage, some clear marker denoting that the official festivities are concluding. You’ve also got your eye on “that couple” – you know, the one that always furtively slinks away before dessert; they’re the benchmark, and they haven’t slipped out yet...

Wait, Is that "Sweet Caroline"? It's only 10:05. I think the DJ is punking us.

11. Last Dance

It's official!! But let's face it -- if you're still here this late in the game, you're either a VIP guest, related, or so high you could go all night.

12. Hail Mary Group Gift

As you leave the party, counting the seconds until you can feel the sweet soles of your feet parallel to the earth again, you’ll remember you forgot to Venmo what’s-her-name for the group gift. And thus, a mad scroll through your emails will begin while you wait for your Uber with the hope that the plane hasn’t left the gate. Yes, you had three drinks but sweet Jesus, can't you remember any one of the SEVEN people who are organizing the gift?? Make a note to follow up the next day (...or should I say, at 3 am, which will be the first time your 40-plus party girl self will wake up.)

Play your cards right and you might even get invited to the next party. And like I said, there’s nothing quite like thrill of an incoming Paperless Post.