Wally World or Bust: Immutable Family Vacation Truths

If I had to pitch my family vacation, I’d say it was 20 percent White Lotus, 80 percent National Lampoon. Does that sound about right to you, too? I mean, there have been epic sunsets that could make your heart cry, but equally as many unforgettable moments (did someone just fart in the crowded elevator?) that would make a Griswold proud. And while there have been countless family squabbles that end with someone excusing themselves for an extended bathroom break, no one has thus far been murdered. Yet.

As we celebrate the New Year, hopeful for good things in uncertain times, it’s helpful to know there are some immutable truths:

You can be on your phone while you demand your kids look up from their goddamn phones because you are paying.

Hotel arrival is awkward.

You never take the first room they show you.

You never take the first table they seat you at.

There is an argument about who gets the drawers.

Someone snores despite vehemently and adamantly denying it.

An inordinate amount of time is spent thinking about how much you ate.

An unreasonable number of French fries are consumed.

A fun thing to do on the beach is to pretend to be reading a book while eavesdropping on the conversations of other families, and judging them.

Family cuddles inevitably end in someone getting hurt.

The housekeeping staff at your hotel could write a book about you that would ruin you.

You can aspire to dress like Daphne all you want, but you still give off more Tanya vibes.

You take beautiful family pictures that no one grants you approval to post.

Your children declare hourly that you are the worst photographer that ever existed.

Your husband is either: a generous tipper or convinced everyone is trying to rip him off.

You lose your cool at the airport. And yet, no matter how psycho you just went on your child for leaving a water bottle in their backpack at security, you will soon see someone else going ape-shit on their beloved offspring with a curse-word laden intensity that makes you feel like parent of the year. You are!

You will arrive home with less socks than you departed with.

Safe travels home and Happy New Year!